Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
