I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This baby is an asshole
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
