Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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