in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
God, I missed his penis.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
