I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
