I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
