i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize