If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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