Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
