you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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