How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
