I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize