Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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