So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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