he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
