so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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