One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
