wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
