if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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