I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
