I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
