I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
