from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
