Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
