we're chasing vodka with high fives
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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