my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize