So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
