I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
