He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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