Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
