I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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