When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
