these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
