but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
