Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
