One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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