Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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