shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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