just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
