In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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