Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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