I wish I could punch you in the face.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
