new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
