I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
