He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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