I look better un-naked...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
