Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can't turn off my feet"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
