it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
