It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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