omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize