John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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