You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize