I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
