Non-Jews are for practice
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
