I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
