My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
