It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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