thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize