Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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