Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
