I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
