woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
