I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
