Where did you get a picture of my penis
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
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