So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize